Hello everyone,
Thank you for joining me on this podcast journey of mine 🙂 If you have stumbled upon this blog and have not listened to Episode 7, you may not have any idea what’s going on, so please go give it a listen on Spotify, or iTunes!
I know everything is super late this past week, I’m sorry. This was supposed to be up last Wednesday, and I still haven’t posted Episode 8 yet. It has been a bit hectic trying to get used to my new medication, and I’m facing some technical difficulties with Episode 8, so hopefully I will be able to fix it and have it up by tomorrow!
That being said, I still wanted to give some input and reflection on Episode 7 🙂 I thought it would be fun to share some of my most embarrassing verbal blunders that I know nobody else probably remembers, but I definitely do. I think it’s important to be able to laugh at myself and share these embarrassing moments, because as much as someone might laugh at and with me in the moment, these embarrassing moments really aren’t as shameful as I tend think. I realize I give so much power to these situations by replaying them in my mind and feeling awkward and ashamed, when really, it’s nothing. I simply assign myself so much importance in thinking that everyone else remembers these things!
I remember when I first became a Christian, I had no idea how to name books of the Bible that had multiple parts. For example, 1 John is supposed to be called “First John”, but I always thought it was “One John”. It didn’t help that I was living in Asia for an entire year during my baby-Christian years. I was chosen to share first about my reflections and devotionals on a chapter in 2 Timothy, and I remember for an entirety of five minutes, I probably said “Two Timothy” at least seven times. I was mortified when my discipler told me later that it’s supposed to be read “Second Timothy”. As I shared in the podcast episode, it was really hard for me to even talk to begin with; in my anxiety, I felt like a lot of people were snickering and laughing at me (though they probably were just having usual side conversations that had nothing to do with me). Looking back, I can still feel my ears turn red, and I’m still convincing myself that no one really cared about the difference between me saying “two” or “second”. As long as I got my point across; besides, it’s an honest mistake!
A second story that I myself an embarrassed of, but I know for a fact the parties involved do not hold it against me comes from a meeting I had last year. I don’t know how many of you like rehearsing your conversations over and over again, even if it’s with someone close. If there is time to prepare for even a simple meet up, I want to be able to think in my mind what I will say, how I will greet people, and what will happen next. I know to some people, this sounds crazy and obsessive… because it kind of is. I am always afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing, and being able to plan out conversations make me feel better, even if it almost never goes as planned. In my head, I usually have dialogues A, B, and C fully rehearsed, ready to be used. However, this usually doesn’t work when persons I did not account for enter the conversation or enter the situation to begin with! I’m often racked with nervousness when there are new people, because I can’t gauge their reaction or personalities. I remember one time, my friend told me last minute she would be bringing her boyfriend. I didn’t mean to, but in my nervousness, I butchered his name (though I’ve heard it a million times) and forgot to include him in conversations because I had rehearsed already so well what I would say and talk about! My friend told me the next day that her boyfriend thought I was really good at testing him and how well he would react in tough situations. I don’t know how much grace God must have poured into his heart to give him such an evaluation of our meeting, because I knew I was downright rude, even if unintentional. I apologized to my friend and him the next time we met, and we are good friends now. However, I still think back to how awful that first meeting was – not by any fault of his, but due to my never-ending nerves and fear speaking.
As I previously mentioned, I believe that my shame stems from the sin of thinking way too much of and about myself. Matthew 6 reminds us to not take ourselves so seriously: giving to the needy isn’t about who recognizes what we give; prayer is to God and for God, not for others to hear; fasting is not so others think we are willing to surrender, but about a humbled heart to offer; stop looking to the world for instant gratification, but begin living for a greater treasure: Christ; worrying about the day to day life lets us forget what true life is about. These aren’t hard concepts to visualize – ultimately it comes down to “stop doing things for yourself, but actually do it for the Kingdom of God (or just simply for others if you aren’t a believer)”. The world tells us that everything we do should be evaluated with “how does this help me?”, and even though most of us would agree that this dog-eat-dog mentality is not the way to go when it’s portrayed in a Disney movie, we realize that the world is sometimes full of successful, evil step mothers who end up with the job promotion, dream house, and fantasy vacation. As we begin looking at our own outlooks, a lot of us learn to look inwardly and fend for ourselves – some of us grow bitter, and some of us grow anxious. Eventually, both of these emotions are rooted in an over-emphasis on a perspective of “self”.
Rather than looking inwardly, try looking outwardly. We don’t have to be ashamed of our mistakes, or afraid of making mistakes. We’re human – it’s why we need Christ!